TJT

[yawner]

Came home one night, my girlfriend was lying on the sofa naked. I walked in and asked if she was okay.
With no reply I looked at her and on one side of nude body were tiny crops of wheat, maize, and oats.

And on the other side of her body were tiny chickens, sheep and cows.
I’m really scared.

I think my girlfriend maybe starting self farming.

[yawner]

Not got children?

Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken.

When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

[yawner]

Gary Glitter is currently on route to chile.

Apparently the news of 33 trapped and helpless minors was just to tempting to ignore.

[yawner]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon
Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old
girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. This was met with
yawns from the little Geordie Princesses.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers............and then there are educators.

[yawner]

My wife sent me a picture earlier with 'This is what’s waiting for you when you get home'.

I'm not sure if I'm getting lucky or if we're having chicken.

[yawner]

Clubbers in West Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum' and should be reported immediately.

[yawner]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!


'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,


'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Jeep Stone]

The problem I found with a long distance relationship was getting my girlfriend to move far enough away

[rutty]

 

[Dom]

Haha, classics! That's brightened my day, that has.

[Dom]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counselling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man

"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"Absolutely Not!" says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing!"