The secret to the female orgasm!

One day recently I was complaining to my mate Dave that I've never been able to completely satisfy my woman.

"I've tried everything..." I told him miserably, "... I've tried romantic meals, candle-lit baths and sensuous massages to relax her, followed by loads of foreplay to warm her up, and then all my best moves to get her going! But still she has never had an orgasm with me, it makes me feel so bad and I know she must feel frustrated!"

"I know just the solution my friend!", proclaims Dave... "I know of a great sex therapist who is a specialist in the ways of sexual stimulation and female orgasm! He's a really nice old German bloke, I'll give you his number"

He's a good man, our Dave, so I took the number and arranged a meeting with this "sex therapist".

I turned up and explained my frustrations to the old German dude, while he listened and nodded sympathetically.

"Okay", he said "I know exactly vot vil guarantee unt wunderbar orgasm for your woman! eet iz ein old solution but you must follow it to ze letter!"

"Fair enough", I said, "I'm willing to try anything!"

"Excellent!", said he as he rummaged in the bottom of a large cabinet drawer and produced a bunch of metal springs. "You must attach these springs to your lover, vun to each of her knees and and vun to each of her elbows. Zen you must do ze intercourse from behind!"

"Fair enough", I again replied, wondering how this strange instruction would help.

"Zen..." he proclaimed as he produced a kazoo-type duck whistle, "you must make your lady blow on this whistle and make ze sound of ze duck while you make ze sex!"

By this point I was thinking this was all a bit bizarre and the man was off his trolley, but I didn't want to lose my woman so was willing to try anything. I went home and managed to persuade her to try out these strange bedroom antics. So we strapped springs to her knees and elbows, and she blew into the duck whistle the whole time we shagged...

... and boy did she come!! After following the instructions to the letter she was screaming the house down! I'd never made a woman orgasm like this in my life and by the end of it she was literally a dribbling mess! I was so chuffed!

In fact I was so chuffed I had to go back to the sex therapist to tell him the results.

"Wow! What a night!", I told him, "my woman had the most intense orgasm ever, I don't know how that strange advice worked, but it did... can you tell me what it was that worked so well?? "....

"Ah,", he said, "ze answer iz quite simple, it vos....."

"four-sprung duck technique!"